i flew to wonderland.

somehow i am contented with life now. just a lil bit. after the trip to phuket, i kinda learned a tad too much about things. but that’s good. as i stepped out of phuket’s international airport, i only smelt freedom, peace and love. a smile so wide i never knew i was capable of pulling. from then on i knew i was gonna enjoy my stay there even if it was just for 5 days.

cabbed to patong where i was gonna stay. the atmosphere was so, homely. so laid back. as i was entering patong i saw this fully white-washed temple, maybe with a little gold ning-nong goin on. i was amazed at how pretty yet intricate the temple was. nyeh, i don’t know why it amazed me. so anyways, as i entered patong i saw nothing but serenity. and i knew from then.. i was in for a ride.

phuket’s something i can’t explain here. well it depends on each individual. for me, id rather stay low and keep everything a valuable memory for a lifetime. as much as i wanna share my experience, trust me when i say i do not know how to put it in words. but if there’s one word for it, i’ll say its bliss.

im comin back phuket, i promise.

lost, i am.

i do not know where i am heading to. which direction, which path. i wake up everyday with a blank mind and all i do is shower and think. no one will understand my perception of things because, it is MY perspection of things. seems like im ettin more and more distant with people around me.

im just shutting off from everything. i shall not trust anybody in this world no matter how long i’ve known the person. and that’s a promise i swear till i die. i do not know who to confide in, who to find comfort in. i do not know. i’ve wasted my tears, so many times, wiped them on my own and i try my very best to pick myself up everytime. just seems by day the more i try to get back up, the more harder it gets. honestly, my heart feels like it just got attached to an anchor. i don’t like puffy eyes.

i feel lost. God take me back in your arms for i don’t feel my worth here anymore :’(

so this is the last, i give up.

so what’s up world. you’ve been so fucked up uh? always have. i, have, officially, given up. given up on something, an issue, a responsibility that i have been carrying on my back for a very, very long time.

to you, my blood.

i have given up on you. it’s about time i start thinking about myself. for the whole 19 years of my life, i have always lived up taking care of you, ensuring that you’re alright every single day, wait for your return every single night, took care of you when you were dead sick and i have always, always accepted you for who you are. you dissaoint me. i disown myself from you. i have to because my eyes are tired, so tired. so is my head. please, i went through a lot since you went away. the change, the atmosphere at home and the amount of responsibility that i have. you fucked my life. seriously. you waste my tears, you waste my family’s tears, you broke their heart. remember this, you broke my mum’s heart. you broke my dad’s. i will never forgive you. to whoever that is reading this, no, i am not typing this out of anger. trust me when i say its been years since since i’ve tolerated all this, my patience has its limits and its finally worn off. im only human and it’s only right of me to say what i have been keeping in me, for the longest time.

trust me babe, i’ve loved you for you. but you took me for granted, i could barely stand all this bullshit. last night, i swore to myself, that i will never, ever, regard you as my blood anymore. never. and i will never take back my words. i cried out of anger, out of a really broke heart, fuck this emo post but this is really taking all that i’ve got. you drain me out. because of you, my lilfe changed. for the better or for worst, it’s all said and done. because of you, i failed my family. i failed to make my mum a happier person. because you, you cowardly ran away. you cowardly came back an ran away again. you think this is some kinda game, some kinda prank. but bitch i have no time. you toyed with my feelings. you and your fake promises. who ever told you that promises was something that you could make fun of? who taught you? your husband. tell your husband to do som soul searching. tell him to learn about respect. and you, you do the same.

i’ve had it, i seriously have. i poured my heart out, to my heart’s content. i am gonna live my life without second thoughts about you, no regrets, no whatsoever. i am sticking to my religion because in Him i trust, and pray to. yes i admit, i am not a saint, just like you, but at least i know my roots. i know where i belong to. i am not selfish, not like you. throughout my whole life, i lived life the hard way, the easy way, whichever way, i’ve learned one thing. that its only normal to go through differences with the folks, but trust me when i say, things will get easier and smooth sailing once you’re old enough. old enough to understand why they did shit to you. because they only want the best out f you. sadly, they did everything for you but, seems like their sacrifices went down to the drain. sadly.

i do not believe in you anymore. it pains me to type all this down. but for once, and for all, let me finally let out whats been kept deep down in me, for years. you never once spared a thought for me, have you? if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have left me here. the least you could do is give mum a call. you make me sick. you make me pissed, sad. but fuck this shit.

fuck this shit. and fuck your life.

God bless my mum, my dad, my family, God bless me.

i am tired kill me zzzzz

hi meet dan, he’s my uncle’s bestfriend but he’s a good friend of mine too.

hi im home and im tired and i have got schoolwork to do but fucking hell i am shagged. sigh. schoolwork due tomorrow but i cannot concentrate how?  sigh. dubstep music saves me though. but not enough. busy weekends ahead and i hate it. sigh. sigh sigh sigh for what. friday to the hospital for a stupid check up, saturday to work and sunday i have my car revision at 8 in the morning and i have to rush to work after that. not really nice. no rest time. hope i’ll get a good dinner after work on sunday and good chill time to compensate for all the busy ning nong. sigh.

so school today was, pointless? just went for a short 2 hour lesson which i had no choice but to attend since its project management. tomorrow is a fucking long day and i hate it. practicals all the way. oh by the way i have no fullscape to do my homework how ah how? no need to do lah. fml. i hate the distance to school. omg ifeel so whiny tonight. shall stop procrastinating and start doin my work. fuck it all

somebody tell me..

greetings. life’s changed, many things’ve changed. this road to recovery is taking all i have, all i got. but im slowly distracting myself from all these, been going out, been catching up with friends. been studying, been doing things. damn yes i do feel sad that things have happened, but i won’t learn till i fall and learn to pick myself up. i’ve got a bright future ahead, and i am looking forward to go through everything that’s prepared for me.

june’s a busy month for me, and it includes a holiday! with one of my lovely buddy amanda! we’re goin phuket, god bless! and then maybe to batam after that, jsut a day trip. and then to kl or something with my family. license nd all that ning nong woooo yea god bless me~ talk about license i gotta finish up the pracs im starting to panic already geeee so anw, went out with my uncle and all them east siders just now. went’a punggol marina country club and that place is kick awesome, but the road leading to it is kinda scary. and very cold if you’re on a bike. gee, i wanted to pee! but had a good time. working tomorrow, might watch kick-ass tomorrow! yay

okay so, sunday im busy. getting tickets to phuket and going out with the fam to get a new phone wooooooot. then prolly do a lil revision and ill call it a day. alright gotta hit the sacks now, cheers!

nothing on you.

been occupying myself with work, catching up with mates. these days ive been tryna cope with a few matters but guess im doin just fine. just feel like i need a lot of time for myself. finally met up with amanda, my bitch fo’ life. it’s awesome how we can accept each other’s flaws and then just open up our hearts and we’ll just listen to one another. that’s what i need. a true friend who listens and understands. oh well.. i thank God that we’re goin Phuket this june. I can barely wait.. God bless we make it!

These days i feel kinda empty, i wanna go to the beach. Gotta do some soul searchin i guess, l a w l . So many things in my head. need.a.breather.

:’(

hi.

tired.

God, seriously, guide me and please bless me with patience. Why is all these obstacles so hard? I know its a test from you. But i just feel like i need a break..

Honestly, i still have to get over the fact that my soul sister aint here no more. Now i have to handle with a relationship that’s slowly rusting, and i don’t know what to do to save it anymore. Im going nowhere, and i don’t even feel like how i used to anymore. I don’t even feel special anymore, neither do i feel as happy as i was. The least you could do is to actually help me ope up my eyes wider so i can choose the right path and prolly meet someone who will really listen to what my heart’s saying. Prolly disguise an angel in the form of a human being. I’d love that. I feel like i need a break from everything.. I don’t deserve this shit.
I feel like running but its 12:08am, that’ll be crazy since im going alone. I promise ill go tomorrow.. I find peace in running now.

I really just hope phuket is happening in June because it’s seriously a much needed break. In life, i’ve learned that you cannot even trust the ones that you love. It’s jsut my humble opinion.. Guess i’ll just shut the fuck up.

goals.

these days ive been exceptionally calm. i tink ive mentioned that a gazillion times.. but that’s fine. needa get a new phone. blackberry sounds good.

so, i’ve been jogging and hitting the gym. still think its not enough. goals for now, is to get the ideal weight and pass my license soon. God bless. i’ve been feeling shagged though.. and i don’t really have the mood to work for now.

i love thursday.

john mayer, heavy rain, home alone, cold room.. cold floors, i feel so comfortable. i feel so home. so peaceful, so serene. i feel so elated with nature’s beings. i love everything im going through right now.. goin out in the evening to get some health supplements and if the weather allows me to, id wanna jog at night. prolly ditching the gym today..

imma chill fo’ now..

laid back wed.

today, went’a the gym and burned some of em motherfuckin’ fats. oh jyeah i feel so good. tomorrow, goin to the cage with my boys so whoo to more workout! the threadmill can be my new bestriend now. hmm.. i guess i understand now why people say they’re fresh after their workout cos im feelin it. guess imma get some good lovin beauty sleep tonight.. got a feelin that i can sleep well tonight!